Tag: friendship

Transparency vs Honesty II

Understanding “understanding” is knowing the similarities between two seemingly dissimilar word meanings. The opposite is equally true. There is such an in-depth understanding and enlightenment when we realize the difference between two words with similar meanings. Inasmuch as it’s important to know how honesty and transparency must co-exist in our relationships, in some context these words take sides and it becomes very important to choose one over the other. Let’s dive in.

What does it really mean to be transparent?

Transparency is spilling out what someone will need to know about you – because it directly concerns them – without being asked to, so as to let them know what they are getting their heads into.

The closer we are to someone, the more open we are to them. Very close yet very open. That is what transparency is really about. The difficulty that comes with Transparency is knowing what to keep private and for how long it should remain private

As to what to keep private;

Our level of relationship with someone determines what they have earned the right to know. They may never ask because they may have no clue. There are many things we keep to ourselves, where no one deserves to know because it doesn’t affect them directly. But once you’re sharing your life with someone else other than you, those things will eventually be exposed. The more vulnerable we are, the more we expose what we are.

Letting them know beforehand creates a bond of trust right at the start. You are saying I’m worthy of being in your circle because you have exposed something to me that not just anybody can know. Hiding it from them and they later finding out creates a bond of distrust. The longer the relationship has been and the longer you’ve kept it a secret, the stronger the bond of distrust.

As to how long it should remain private;

Being an introvert myself, I find it really weird when I get to know someone for a short while and they trust me with such vital information about themselves. In my mind, I’m like, “TMI..TMI”. This is the principle; start from the known to the unknown. There are things someone can easily get to know about you by asking a few friends, studying the way you go about things and checking out your profile online. Start from there. Allow the other person to earn the right to know certain not-so-obvious stuff. Don’t be an open book.

When the mutual interest to get to know each other is identified, begin to tell them things only a few would know as time goes by. When it dawns on you that they should probably get to know something about you, tell them right away. Trust your intuition! It tells you what to share when to share it and to the degree it should be shared at a time.

This is where the line between Transparency and Honesty is drawn. Honesty is telling the truth when I’m asked. Transparency is telling the truth because it deserves to be known. Honesty comes with a condition; you have to ask first. Transparency requires no permission. It is necessary to be honest and much more important to be transparent. Once I’m not questioned, there’s no accountability for my honesty or dishonesty.

If you have a medical condition, it’s important that your new friend gets to know at the early stages. If you’re single-divorced, your new catch might wanna know. And if you skipped to read only the last paragraph, I might wanna know lol.

I love you ❤️

August 27, 2022
Be More Engaged & Less Attached: Living Rent-free from Negative Attachments

The more attached you are to someone or something, the more expectations you have for him/her/it. You’d expect a reciprocation of every affection and effort. Do good to others, not so they will reciprocate it, but because YOU want to do good. Love someone, not so that they will love you back, but because YOU choose to love the person. More people are broken, not just because they chose to love someone, but because they expected similar reciprocation. The easiest way to rid yourself of such expectations is to break such attachments.

In the local sense of the word, attachment signifies a complete reliance on an entity such that the end of that entity is doom on your part as well. Consider an attachment to a firm; the firm takes advantage of your expertise and at the end of the day, chooses to pay you whatever amount they deem appropriate. They may choose not to even pay you. After all, the firm existed without you and will definitely flourish without you. You need them, they don’t. They can therefore use your need for them to their advantage. I may seem to be exaggerating but at least you get the picture.

Goodness cannot be taken advantage of. It is insecurities that people take advantage of, and such insecurities mean you’ll forever be a slave to what you’ve wrongly attached yourself to.

The irony of it is, the very thing you have made your life is what is causing you death if you fall into such a trap. Who have you fallen so much in love with? What have you become so vulnerable to? What has charmed you? Has it made you so blind and desperate that it is slowly eating you up? Is it worth fighting for or you’re just being insecure? Instead of fighting all signs, why don’t you just face your fears?

Engage yourself. Engagement is balance. The value given is the value received. It is togetherness so strong that it’s tantamount to oneness. There is a coming together. Working together. A sharing. No one-way traffic. It’s a win-win situation. None is thinking about taking advantage, rather giving honour. There’s no strife. No insecurities that the other isn’t reciprocating similar effort. Each other’s weaknesses are made up for. Each other’s keeper indeed. When one is separated by distance, misunderstanding or even the vicissitudes of life, the other doesn’t suffocate. A tear is shed and life moves on.

When someone or something gets in the way of such engagement, especially one of importance, necessity and/or mutuality, it is not viewed as one coming to compete with the relationship, whether it’s family or close friends. Because in engagement, we are not slaves to ourselves. We are not entangled, we are connected. Each entity is self-reliant and interdependent. This is the kind of relationship we ought to have with one another, with the environment, and with the universe.

Be more engaged and less attached

June 26, 2021
Fake Friends Leave, True Friends Stay?

Put yourself in this scenario; Imagine you are in an emergency. Think of people you can call. Those are your real friends.

I used to think this way until I read the exact same idea on the internet. To me, it wasn’t a nice confirmation. It was rather a time of contemplation. There are those who will call me in such a scenario that I can’t call if I find myself in the same scenario. It doesn’t mean we are not friends. We are just not that type of friends. The “scenario” concept is just theoretical. In reality, it’s more complicated than that. It would be therefore detrimental for you to put those who would respond to your emergency in the special category and label all others as fake friends.

No matter how hard you try, whether you are the most approachable person in your workplace, the funniest guy in the world or the most famous entertainer, we all have a small circle. It’s not small just because there are more people outside it than there are in it. No! It’s small because no matter how hard you try to expand it, it will remain small. The more people you add to your small circle, the more likely some others in the small circle will leave. No one has a small circle of 50 people. The goal is to expand your acquaintance circle. That circle can take everyone in the whole world. Expanding the small circle has a great limitation; it can only hold about a dozen people at a time. This leads us to a major misconception that needs to be tackled;

MYTH: FAKE FRIENDS LEAVE, TRUE FRIENDS STAY

Perhaps we’ve all had a “friend” we really thought was our friend till a situation came up. After cutting off the person, we see quotes like these on the internet and we find it so relatable. First of all, no matter how many times the universe is involved, we ultimately choose our friends. We can become acquainted by accident sort of, but no one unintentionally becomes friends with someone by chance. If anything at all, you made an effort to intentionally communicate with the person, which is essential for the growth from just an acquaintance, to being a close friend.

When someone is in your close circle, there is that feeling of “best friends forever”, “you and I against the world”. Though seemingly unrealistic because we do not know the future, it’s necessary that that phase occurs and y’all live in the moment and enjoy every phase of it.

The truth is, some people are gonna leave your inner circle with time. Not anything so personal. It’s just that, life happens. Of course, not all your best friends are gonna be best friends with you forever. Y’all became friends at one phase in your life and may move on when another phase sets in. That’s just the way it is. The truth is, once you’ve been friends with someone through the thick and thin, it doesn’t matter if y’all don’t talk or see each other often; in your hearts, y’all are still friends. In fact, such a friend may even die but you can remember them in your heart for the rest of your life. Are they in your inner circle? No. But they used to be. Such people are in what I call the “good friends” zone.

Am I saying that there’s no such thing as a fake friend? No! All I’m saying is, friends come and go. Real friends. And that is absolutely okay. For some of us, life is gonna take us away from our families and they are gonna leave our inner circle. But they will forever hold a special place in our lives regardless. Truth is, you’re gonna meet your once best friend one day, exchange pleasantries, catch up on the good old times, share memories and then move on. Were they fake friends? No. Not in anyway. We just should’t expect someone to be there for us all the time. It’s beautiful that our journeys criss-cross and we meet people who forever make an impact on our lives, but always remember, we all are on our own individual journeys to our destination. One day, our paths may literally separate us. We should simply know that that path is gonna connect us to many other people who may choose to walk with us as well.

June 12, 2021
Matters That Matter

Jesus didn’t have that luxury of time to explain the matter to the Pharisees. If anyone should have been worried, it should have been John, but John had said, “He must increase and I must decrease.” First of all, it was misinformation. Jesus wasn’t the one baptizing; it was his disciples. In life, make sure you don’t act based on rumors. If it matters, find out for yourself. If it doesn’t, don’t waste your time.

Secondly, it wasn’t a John vs Jesus matter. John and Jesus were not rivals. When Jesus heard what was being said, he left. He didn’t need to explain himself to them. He didn’t need to let it worry Him. If you follow the matters of Phariseeism, they will always give you something to be offended about, and you’ll break friendships with people you weren’t supposed to have issues with.

If it’s not a matter that matters, learn to walk away from the issue and it will die out. Don’t add any additional burden to your life. Focus, and leave the distractions to fall away. They said you’re 30 and you’re still yet to marry, so what? Who’s even more concerned about the issue in the first place; isn’t it you? People talk about issues that don’t concern them as if they care.

There are two sides of the same coin. There are people who genuinely care and bring someone’s matter up to you but if it’s not your matter, don’t bother yourself. If two people have an issue, the only time you can address the issue with the two of them is when the two invite you in. Don’t make yourself a judge over a matter that nobody invited you to.

If someone’s girlfriend invites you into a matter and you personally don’t know her boyfriend, it doesn’t concern you. From the passage, Jesus didn’t know the other brother, so He didn’t bother Himself. If two strangers are having an argument by the roadside and they invite you in, don’t explain anything. If two best friends are fighting and they invite you in, be discrete. They will get back together like they always have, and your rushed advice won’t be forgotten.

When Jesus came to earth, there were billions of problems as there is now. With many social problems, He didn’t even try to solve them or even address it. He didn’t come to judge the world, He came to save it. He solved what was man’s most important need and the underlying cause of all other problems. All others were just distractions.

Be like Jesus ❤️

July 4, 2020
Does God Still Speak Today? Hearing God’s Voice

Does God Still Speak Today? God will continue sending you the same messages over and over again, through many mediums and experiences. Endlessly will He send you His messages, until you have received them and held them close.

Does God Still Speak Today? You cannot miss them if you truly listen. You cannot ignore them once truly heard. God can just as easily work through your imagination as anything else.

For God may speak in one way, or in another, Yet man does not perceive it.
Job 33:14 NKJV

God will bring you the exact right thoughts, words or feelings, at any given moment, suited precisely to the purpose at hand, using one device, or several.

You will know these words are from Him because you, of your own accord, have never spoken to your mind so clearly.

God is always speaking! Did you know that Jesus died on the Cross not just to forgive your sins, but ultimately to bring you into a relationship with Himself? Communication is probably the single greatest vehicle of any relationship. Although some people have a problem believing that God wants to talk to everybody, most believers understand that true prayer is not just petitioning Heaven with a list of requests, but it is communicating with our Father in Heaven as a true friend.

July 26, 2019
The Hard Truth
People only care about you only when they are gaining something from you. People will appreciate you a lot only when you are a beneficiary to them. They will like you as long as you are what they want you to be.

And when you suddenly aren’t able to help them, YOU become the bad person. They try to make you the victim of their demise. They begin to despise you for your neglect.

Familiarity. They have familiarized themselves with your ever-helping hand. They have grown accustomed to your never-relentless presence.

Entitlement. They now feel entitled to your help. You are supposed to help them fix the mess they created for themselves.

Expectations. They expect you to be there for them. They don’t even know what their intentions are. They don’t know that they are valuing things and using people.
When you don’t do what they expected you to do, then they say you’ve changed. They expect you to defend them against others even if they are wrong. Why? Because we are friends? Then how different are we from those who have no values, lack integrity yet only do well in covering each other’s back.

I’d rather be a man of pure integrity than a man of many friends.

I don’t believe in the product as much as I believe in the process. I will always stand for the truth and believe the best about others. But if my circle begins to believe I’m not a good person, I’d rather be in the anomalies as long as they resonate a positive vibe I can thrive in. It’s better to live in the desert than to live with a nagging wife.
May 17, 2019